I Won’t Lie, I’m Hurting

“The seasons have quickly turned into winter holidays, and I won’t lie…I’m hurting.”

The current pain of mine stems from the amount of loss and change in my life these past couple of years. The changes have been swift, and the losses have been numerous.

The loss of actual lives. The loss of relationships. The loss of good health for myself and many loved ones. Last, but definitely not least, the loss of a lot of confidence. All of which come with their own sets of trials and tribulations.

“My perception of the holidays is strongly based on tradition.”

Traditions become so commonplace, that they could be better known as rituals. And rituals are always performed the same way, so change doesn’t really mesh well with them. This year has been filled with tons of change, considering all my loss, and changes.

This year, holiday traditions seem a little exciting and a little daunting all at once. They both have to be accepted though, because change is always inevitable. I’m excited because new traditions are always a good thing!  It takes you out of any holiday ruts you may be in and gives the rest of your family the chance to try something new as well.  This year we get to host a supper at our house before Christmas and my sister will be hosting Christmas Day. This will be my second year cooking a big holiday meal, and I‘ve surprised myself by really enjoying it. Christmas Day at my sister’s will be so new and neat because we aren’t cooking a meal!  It will be less pressure on everyone to serve leftover turkey and ham on her homemade buns along with appetizers all day.  It sounds relaxing, and I’m really looking forward to it.

The daunting part can come when big changes in your traditions happen. Life is hard enough around the holidays, so we don’t need added negatives such as guilt, shame, or distrust. But this year, I still got knocked back a few steps with all of the changes. The fear of the unknown is the most daunting. I don’t know what to expect except for our pre-made plans, and whatever time that we have free, could unfortunately, but very possibly be filled with these negatives.

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“I am still grieving the loss of actual lives as we near the end of the year.”

I have had too many friends and family members die in the last two years. 4 of those loves died of suicide.  It is always intense for me to try to deal with/understand suicides.  What was it that pushed them off of that ledge? I think it’s especially hard to deal with when you have mental health issues as well, and you have heard those voices or met those demons yourself.  This is so painful for me.  It’s not that natural or accidental deaths are any less significant, it’s just that they are a lot easier for me to understand and come to terms with.

“It’s hard to deal with the loss of relationships at any time of the year, and during the holidays, it’s not just hard, it’s painful.”

When you have family members and friends that would have normally participated in your holidays, and now are gone…and it’s not easy to deal with.

Years full of long stories made short, I had to remove the people who were toxic in my life, whether they were friend, family or foe. The pain in that itself is pretty self-explanatory, but I’m choosing not to elaborate much more on it.

“I am as honest as I can be in my writing and on my blog, but I also refuse to taint either one by turning them into spaces to name-drop, to release angry banter or to fill with negativity.”

The loss of friendships came into play when I started to take care of myself mentally. When I started to love myself more, it really made me take a look at who loved me less. Most that I have distanced myself from are people who had proved themselves to consider me a throwaway friend. I learned that there is a lot of pain in realizing how long it had been that I was treated that way and either didn’t notice, didn’t care, or didn’t think I was worth anything more.

The loss of good health for myself and my loved ones has been very prevalent lately and I’m pretty confident that I am not dealing with it properly, or perhaps not dealing with it at all. I have 2 loved ones that are now terminally ill. I have yet to visit either one since they’ve been this far into their illnesses, even though I love them beyond words and the availability is there. This is an area in my head and my heart that I know I will be working on with my therapist soon. It needs to be dealt with, as it has almost become a fear of mine to go to an ill person’s home, hospitals or nursing homes.

My personal health is stable at the moment, which I am very grateful for, but I get so damn sick of pills, blood work, side effects, so on, and so forth. When you have 3 chronic illnesses (diabetes, bipolar disorder, & fibromyalgia) as I do, your daily cocktail takes a long time to establish, so you really don’t wanna mess with anything. The most massive side effect I have had with my medications (that still affects my everyday life) was having to take so many meds, that it made my teeth literally rot. Now I deal with having a full set of dentures. It’s not fun, nor is it inexpensive.

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“I am completely aware that this sounds like a pity party.”

What’s with the negativity Mrs. Happy Pants? Well guys, the reality is that this is honesty.  This is my life.  And sometimes we are allowed to hurt.

Loss, pain, change… these are grand factors in all of our lives.

When these times come for me (especially times like the winter holidays) and they happen all at once, you know what I do? I write.

So here it is.  My writing about life, loss and pain is to help myself heal. I know that this pain is just for right now.

There is always tomorrow and the sun will always shine sooner rather than later!”

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